My long-winded self pep talk for the day

When you have a high-risk pregnancy like me, you spend a lot of time in waiting rooms. And when you're not waiting, you're generally immobilized by monitoring equipment, IV lines, and nurses who would prefer you'd just stay put.

When I was pregnant with Rosalie, I got in the habit of bringing my own reading material after being left in a monitoring room with a Golf magazine and a three-year old copy of Parents magazine. I decided to read the book Wicked, since I was a big fan of the musical and had heard the book had a different ending. Though it picked up about a hundred pages in, it was the sort of hard-to-get-into 500+ page book that I would have probably abandoned early on if it weren't for not having anything else to read while being medically attended to.

This time around, I'm reading The Life of Pi by Yann Martel and honestly I am having a hard time putting it down. It's essentially a story of survival and the strength of the human spirit, which, as you might imagine, I can slightly related to at the moment.

I often hear "I don't know how you do it" or "You're so strong" from people regarding our pregnancy. For the record, I don't know how I do it, or even that I succeed at "doing" it. And I definitely don't feel strong. I just feel like I'm trying to survive. I wake up in the morning and try to put one foot in front of the other and deal with it as it comes. You would do the same thing. I think it's just human nature. We adapt.

Some days are harder than others, like Tuesday after our first PUBS procedure when I was completely overwhelmed by the thought of having to go through this five or more times. The IV line, the epidural, the needles stuck through my uterus -- it's all just a bit much sometimes to think about. I broke down and told Ted and my doctor that I didn't think I could go through this again. Of course, I really have no choice. The train has sort of left the station. I must. I can. I will.

Honestly, most days the talent of our medical team is enough to put my mind at ease. When you have such a skilled team on your case, it's easy to forget how difficult it is for them to do what they do. The vein they seek in the umbilical cord during a PUBS is barely a millimeter in width and they have to successfully draw blood from it by using ultrasound images -- all while the baby moves around. It's also easy (and convenient) to forget the risks associated with each procedure -- both for the baby and for you.

But these risks are a little more front and center for me after last week's procedure. I alluded to it in my last post, but we had a bit of a complication following the PUBS. It's a complicated story to retell so let me just say that it involves lots of medical symptoms manifesting some simultaneously and some in quick succession -- disorientation, itching in my hands, extreme shaking, difficulty breathing, hypothermia, and hypotension. I started to lose awareness of the situation but was catching bits of conversation as the nurses and doctors shuffled around me, giving me oxygen, straightening my airway and putting medication in my IV line. It seemed like the general consensus of that moment was that I was having a panic attack. Someone kept getting in my face and saying, "Just relax. Relax!"

Eventually things resolved themselves. My breathing returned to normal. My body temperature rose to an acceptable level and my blood pressure stabilized. But no one really had any answers as to what happened. We got lots of shoulder shrugs and the panic attack theory.

Panic attack, my ass. The impending death feeling I felt was not a result of a panic attack, of which I have no history by the way.

I should mention that the hospital we were at is excellent. The staff is excellent. But, unfortunately, I think sometimes a common explanation suits a problem like mine. Stressful situation, emotional mom, etc. With more PUBS in my future, this was not the explanation I was going to accept. My advice? Be your own patient advocate when no one else will, especially when something doesn't sit right. Sure, they have years of medical training and experience but only you know yourself best.

That evening, I emailed our primary doctor to let her know what had happened in case the nursing staff and attending hadn't. They hadn't. She launched a full investigation and called me on Friday with her findings: "You 100 percent did not have a panic attack."

Turns out, they're pretty sure I have a rare anaphlylatic reaction to the blood transfusion. The silver lining? The Benadryl I had requested and received moments before I required an oxygen mask, saved me from a much worse situation. In the future, the team will pre-medicate me for this side effect as a precaution.

So, see, it all worked out in the end. And as much as the experience still haunts me a bit (even with an explanation and an prevention action plan in hand), I know that the human spirit is built to fight and survive. It's resilient. And so am I. To be anything else would be to give up and that's not an option. I must. I can. I will.

And Beetles are tough. Real tough.

"Mini" is so deceptive

I've been working on a series of mini quilts to hang on the wall in Lila (and soon-to-be Rosalie's) room. This is my latest. I started it in July which gives you a good indication of both my lack of sewing time and the pace at which I work.

If you like this pattern, Red Pepper Quilts has a template for the pinwheels here. I decided not to put a border around each pinwheel or sash it out of sheer laziness and almost ripped it all out to sash it after having some regrets, but now I love how it looks.

Baby Beetle update

I'm sore and exhausted so I'll just quickly say that Baby Beetle was definitely anemic today when they went in and took her blood sample. She promptly received a transfusion that will hopefully last her two weeks before needing another.

She was a champ through it all -- not dropping heart rate or making things difficult. The doctors said she actually stared up at them the whole time as they worked on the umbilical cord just above her head.

We had a bit of a scary moment post-recovery involving me and oxygen (or lack thereof), but I'm fine now. I don't know that I have the energy to retell it here though. Let's just say that suffocation is definitely not a way I want to die. I've asked our medical team to huddle with the anesthesia team and get to the bottom of what happened so it doesn't happen again. I really do like breathing, after all.

Thanks to everyone who commented or sent me personal emails of encouragement. They're so appreciated.

Hospital bound

Our MCA doppler results were not in the normal range this morning so I'm leaving for the hospital in a few hours to be prepped for an early morning blood transfusion for the baby.

We knew this day was going to come so this isn't that much of a surprise to me. Still, I wish we'd been able to hold off until viability. I'm 23 weeks tomorrow. If something would go wrong in this procedure, there's really nothing that could be done. That's sobering.

But we have a fantastic, talented team of doctors so I know I'm in good hands (as is baby beetle).

I'll post our status when I return (hopefully) tomorrow.

I suck

I'm sorry it's been so quiet on my end. There aren't enough hours in the day and my energy levels have been extremely low. I have things to share -- Sewing! Cute pictures of the girls! -- but I haven't had a moment. Right now, against my better judgment, I should be sleeping.

See, I spent last night at the hospital being checked out for some odd contraction/cramping thing that was happening. Everything's fine. The baby's fine. But the ordeal sucked four hours from my life and did nothing for my current stress level and my persistent need to get things done. Still, better safe than sorry, yadda yadda yadda.

Off to slumber... I'll check in hopefully tomorrow afternoon with positive MCA doppler results.

Taking nesting to new heights

I made this. I can't really believe it as it just seems so much more awesome to me than anything I think I could ever create with my hands.

But I did it.

Over a weekend no less.

My mom says pregnancy brings out the creative juices. Perhaps, or maybe they just make you more daring and less apprehensive to try new things.

As part of my strategy for emerging from denial that I am indeed pregnant, I've been trying to pave the way for transitioning Rosalie into Lila's current room so that Baby Beetle can have the nursery. Thankfully, Lila's room is plenty roomy for two small kids and Lila's been very receptive, enthusiastic almost, about the idea of a punching bag roommate. But the room is half decorated -- almost frozen in time from when Rosalie was born and all redecorating essentially ceased.

I've been taking the fleeting moments of time that I have to try and make gains on my original vision for the room 2+ years ago. I'm more motivated now more than ever because I'm trying to make it a special place for both our girls and turn it into a new space that can be Lila and Rosalie's room instead of it feeling like Rosalie sleeping in Lila's room. That and I have this looming fear that nothing will get accomplished ever again once we have three children.

But enough about that, let's talk about these windows.

The two windows in the room have lovely wooden blinds on them but have always seemed to be lacking from a design standpoint. They just seemed to be begging for curtains or a valance or something but we have plaster walls (need I say more? My plaster-owning friends know what I'm talking about). Let's just say our past experiences with installing hardware to hang curtains had me thinking of solutions that wouldn't involve multiple trips to Home Depot for specialty anchors, patching material, and touch-up paint.

I had this vision of making some sort of straight-across, non-poofy valance that would stretch across the top of the window and be scalloped along the bottom. My original idea was to somehow velcro it to the top of the blinds, thus circumventing the whole power drill experience. I hopelessly searched Flickr and Google for inspiration pictures but couldn't find anything -- that is until I discovered that the things I was envisioning were called pelmet boxes. Ugly name for such a pretty thing. Anyway, armed with the name (thank you Laura Ashley decorating book circa 1982) I stumbled upon this tutorial from Little Green Notebook, which is a fabulous new-to-me decorating blog.

While these pelmet boxes took me longer than the two hours it took the author of the tutorial, they were super easy. Crazy easy. I could wax on about making them but the tutorial is pretty straight forward so I'll spare you.

I spent about $30 on materials, not including the fabric which I had already. The only part I did different than the tutorial was the hanging. We hung them by putting a safety pin on each end and hanging the circle part of the safety pin on a small nail Ted tapped into the wall.

And here's how they look in the room.



Fancy, right? I know!

I still have lots of wall space to fill and the current hung pictures aren't necessarily in their final place, but this is progress. My vision is starting to take shape. Let's hope Beetle stays put for a while longer!

Preschool visit #1

Getting ready for our first preschool tour this morning, I quickly jotted down my list of questions while Lila looked on. "I have some questions too," she said. "Oh yeah, what?" I answered.

"Do you have sandwiches?"
"Do you have books? Board books and story books?"
"Do you have stuffed animals?"

You know, the really important questions.

While on the tour, Lila asked her questions, including her sandwich inquiry. Then she asked to see where the sandwiches were served. We made quite the impression.

I might as well be shopping for her wedding dress

{Feel free to hum Sunrise, Sunset as you read this.}

Our Parents As Teachers educator recently suggested we look into placing Lila in a preschool program for gifted children, or at least have her tested. As luck would have it, some of the preschools in our city are amazing (and free!) which is so ironic considering how horrible most of the schools are for elementary education and beyond.

If we want to have the opportunity for Lila to be considered for preschool in the fall, we have to submit our application for the lottery by next week. Our chances of getting a slot are small as there aren't many available for three year olds, but our educator thinks it will be good to get into the system so we have a really good chance when she's four.

So tomorrow and Thursday, I will be crisscrossing our city with the kids in tow touring the four schools that have been recommended to me. One is a Montessori preschool. A Montessori preschool. FOR FREE.

Ordinarily I would have a list of questions drafted up and ready but I've been paralyzed by the thought of Lila being in school five days a week for seven hours at a time. Truth be told, I've also had wonderful fantasies about it too but they are fleeting. Mostly, I feel like this is the beginning of a series of milestones that are going to fly by me at lightning speed. Sure, it starts with preschool but before you know it, it's first bra, driver's license, prom, off to college, and boom -- she's an adult. I'm not ready.

But more specifically, I'm not ready for these tours. If you've been through this, leave me your thoughts on good things to look for and ask. My pregnant brain would be so thankful.

Beetle update

I meant to post this update yesterday but the time change has been kicking my butt and I'm exhausted.

So far, the news is still positive. Monday's doppler results continue to be in the normal range for the baby and her growth is on target -- weighing in at mighty 14 ounces.

We've been told all along that the transfusions would more than likely start earlier than they did for Rosalie. Rosalie's first transfusion was at 25 weeks. I'm 22 weeks today so we'll see. What this means I guess is that I better get more serious about straightening up my house and having laundry done before these Monday appointments.

Lone Star

Well, here she is. The quilt I whipped up over a weekend for Lila's new toddler bed using fabric solely from my stash. I have to say I'm totally in love with the simplicity of it and, hey, you can't beat that it didn't take me months to put together like my other sewing projects.

My intention was to hand tie the quilt together with white yarn but when it came to that step, I couldn't pull the needle and yarn through all the layers. So I ended up tacking the three layers together every four inches by using the short stitch on my buttonhole stitch setting. Then I took yarn and looped it under the stitching on the front of the quilt. Machine quilted with a hand tied look.


The best part of the assembly was the binding. I typically machine stitch the front of the binding, turn it to the back and hand stitch it to the back. But this time, thanks to this link, I cut the backing an inch and a half larger and folded it over to the front. Then I zig zag stitched it on with some aqua thread I had on hand. I debated whether white thread would be better -- if the aqua would draw too much attention from the center of the quilt -- but I think in the end it was just what I needed to ensure the quilt wasn't too plain.


Since I had to cut squares of the colored fabrics in order to make my triangles, I have an extra set of matching triangles laying around. Lila suggested I make a matching quilt for Rosalie's soon-to-be new crib, which will be the old crib still in Lila's room. Great idea, Lila.